HAILSTORM
[written for a friend in need]

Hail-storms of hurt-words
Come barreling down;
Warm rays of sunlight
No longer found.
Unexpected and whirling;
Hardened and cold;
Invaded by dark clouds
Angry and bold.
A bruise here, a scar there
Salty rain-tears descend
Lord, strengthen me;
Lead me to the storm’s end.

Anyone have a piece of fleece?

I'm afraid to even look at the date of my last post. I'm sure it was years ago. Accept my full apologies!

A lot of what has been consuming me lately has been this big crazy college decision part of life. The scholarships. The interviews. The research. The thinking. The letters. The credits. The majors. The programs. The distance from home. The campuses. The admissions counselors. The professors. The students. The food (hey, it's an important factor). The costs. Etc.
It has been a MAJOR source of stress and pure terror for me over the last few months (years?) and yet, I can feel God teaching me things through this process.

One thing that's been sticking out at me lately has been, as a dear friend put it, "The Classic Christian Mistake".

I keep looking for factors that will make this decision easier for me, and one of those was financial aid. I prayed and prayed and prayed and found that my top two schools were basically the same in every respect -- I loved them both and they had so much to offer and both are great choices. And so I thought the only factor left was financial aid; I prayed that God would use scholarships and grants and such to point me in the right direction. And I waited. And I waited. And for a few weeks, it looked like even the monetary awards would be almost exactly the same, leaving me very undecided and unsure of what God was doing.

Then I got a letter in the mail from one school, and the scholarship money was significantly higher than I expected. Woo hoo, happy dance, life is good. This was a sign, I knew it; this was God pointing.
I was thrilled for all of about two hours.

Then the doubt set in.
"I should wait until I get the official statement from the other school. This really isn't a sign. This is just unexpected. What if this isn't really God? What if God hasn't really spoken yet, but I'm just trying to force everything to fit into MY own will instead of His? How do I know this is a sign? This can't be what answered prayers look like..." etc, etc.

The next day, knowing most of this, my friend talked to me about my big mistake. "You made the classic Christian mistake," she said of my doubt. "You prayed and prayed that God would speak to you about this decision through finances. And He did exactly as you asked. And then after you got that, you looked at God and wondered if it was enough." She's so very right; that's EXACTLY what I did!

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this conversation since. How often do we want God to just drop down a sign straight from Heaven to point us in the right direction? But even more interesting, how often does God DO this, but instead of following his sign, we second-guess it and doubt Him and ask for a billboard. THEN we'll be sure. And sometimes God has enough patience to drop us a fairly obvious billboard...and we have the gall to look at him and go, "Could ya just add some flashing lights to it? I'm not sure if this is the sign I need yet...I'm waiting for something more obvious...."

It reminds me of the story of Gideon, which you can also find in Judges 6-7. You gotta love Gideon. He's out in his field threshing wheat, and an ANGEL of the LORD appears.(First sign: There's an angel standing in front of me.) And Gideon says, "Whoa, baby. Are you really an angel? If you are, hang on just one second." Gideon goes inside to prepare an offering and the angel waits, just as he asks. (Second sign: Angel does as he asks and waits with heavenly patience). Then, Gideon comes back out and asks for ANOTHER sign. So the angel touches Gideon's altar offering with his staff and BOOM! instant flames. (Third sign) Ok. So, now, Gideon has an ethereal being standing in front of him who has just made fire appear out of nowhere....pretty obvious, eh? Gideon's still skeptical. He comes up with this elaborate test for God, involving fleece and dew and very specific instructions (Seriously? If this is not an illustration of how patient our God is, then I don't know WHAT is! Because if it was me...I'd be a little peeved at Gideon and I'd been ready to smite the guy.) And God, who has created the heavens and the earth and can do ANYTHING, has the patience and goodwill to accommodate Gideon's silly requests about putting dew on the fleece. (Fourth sign, anyone??) Gideon wakes up the next morning and goes, "Alright! You did exactly what I wanted, God! But...well, just one more thing...." and he goes and asks God for YET ANOTHER sign. And God STILL doesn't smite the guy, but gives him his sign, (Yep, we're up to five signs, now, in a few day's time, if I remember correctly) and thank goodness Gideon finally sees the light and realizes, DUH, this IS God.

And it's so easy for me (us) to roll our eyes at Gideon and wonder how he could possibly still doubt, even when God did exactly what he asked, over and over again.

And yet, here I am doing exactly the same thing.

Thank you, God, for your indescribable patience!