Ridiculous Things That Never Should Have Been Invented

This is the abridged version of a list I've been making all morning. It has no deeper meaning other than the fact that I honestly don't understand why ANY of these things exist. I mean, seriously. Every single one of these items just begs the question, "WHY?!?!?!!?!?"


1. Pantyhose




2. Sauerkraut




3. Skinny jeans



4. Twizzlers




5. Hummers




6. Inflatable furniture



7. Tissue Box Covers



8. Paperweights




9. The entire teaberry flavor


10. These lawn ornament things



Feel free to add!

Ignorance, continued

Heh. I received this email a few days ago, forwarded from the friend of a friend, and I have to say, it cracked me up :) I know I sent it some of you, but just in case...it seems to fit my current rant quite nicely...

"Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus.

I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore."

Here's your sign...

(Any of you who got the above reference to a very pathetic yet very funny country song...Kudos to you)

Ok, in continuing the current rant of Somnite (see below), I have my own two cents to add. Seriously, it's articles like this that make me shake my head an echo my great-grandmother: "What on EARTH is this crazy world coming to?!"

Fish pedicures banned by Florida Board of Cosmetology

"Fish pedicures — the use of tiny, live carp to clean feet — have been made available in several Florida cosmetology salons in recent months.

Now, Florida is banning the practice.

The Florida Board of Cosmetology, housed within the Department of Business and Professional Regulation, determined that fish pedicures are not permitted in salons because they violate two previously standing rules: one that prohibits animals or pets (excluding animals trained to assist the hearing impaired, visually impaired or the physically disabled) in salons and another that sets the standards for pedicure sanitation requirements."
[From the Tampa Bay Business Journal]

SERIOUSLY, people!? What on EARTH possessed you to think that using tiny, live FISH to CLEAN your FEET would be a GOOD idea? (Sorry, went a little overboard on the capital letters there....)

Maybe it's just me. But seeing as feet (mine or anyone else's) and contact with fish (alive or otherwise) are two of the things that SERIOUSLY GROSS ME OUT, the combination of the two is enough to cause extreme gagging. At the very least.

Can anyone truly tell me that this looks like a desirable thing?!?!

And how do you know that the fish are actually making your feet CLEANER?

They swim around in their own poop, for Pete's sake.

No one ever tells me ANYTHING!

Alright, seriously.

It took me nearly 45 minutes to get to class today. It SHOULD only take me 25 minutes to drive from my house to the college where I have my blasted 7:30am class. 30 minutes if it’s a red light day. So then, one has to wonder, why so much longer today?
Did I take the scenic route? Nope.
Car trouble? Nope.
Get lost? Valid concern, but also no.

Apparently, no one bothered to inform me that today is National Garbage Truck Drivers Gone Wild Day. I mean, c’mon, people. It would have been nice if I had had at least a little bit of warning, don’t you think? Because seriously, EVERYONE seemed to be in on this little ruse -- everyone except me and the little old lady in the car behind me. *fumes*

FIVE BLASTED GARBAGE TRUCKS. FIVE. Not one. One would be normal. If I ended up behind a slow garbage truck, I’d think nothing of it. Daily occurrence. No big deal. How about two? Still not so strange. I would have figured it’s garbage collection day in this town today and shrugged it off. The third garbage truck was a little strange. I began to wonder if I was hallucinating. The fourth garbage truck was enough to generate the wild conspiracy theories about garbage trucks taking over the world. But it was the FIFTH one on my way to school this morning that really clued me in to what must be going on. National Garbage Truck Drivers Gone Wild Day. It’s so obvious, now that I think about it. The Head Garbage Truck Driver Boss must have sent out a memo to the secret Garbage Truck Drivers Society and let them know that even if they don’t have a route today, they should just commandeer any garbage truck they could get their hands on and drive it around the city, at no more then 20 mph, max. And, just for fun, Head Garbage Truck Driver Boss must have told all the little minions that they can stop at random places in the middle of the road even if there is no trash to collect. Because really. Why else would they ALL be stopping for NO reason??

And it wasn’t just on the way TO school, either! My 10 minute drive AFTER class from college to preschool turned into a 21minutes because I encountered -- you guessed it -- FOUR MORE GARBAGE TRUCKS. FOUR!!!!!

Now, I have been driving this exact same route at this exact same time every Monday and Wednesday morning for the last 7.5 weeks. Never before have I had any sort of altercation with garbage trucks, until today. In fact, I don't know that I've ever even ENCOUNTERED another garbage truck before today!!! Which is what led to my conclusion that today must be something special. Like, say, National Garbage Truck Drivers Gone Wild Day.

See?!? See?!? Now do you see what I mean??!?! Nine SEPARATE garbage trucks??! In ONE MORNING?! That’s just not normal, people!And I’m sure you’re all thinking, “Yeah? So? What’s so bad about garbage trucks?” Typically, nothing. In fact, I’m a HUGE advocate for garbage collector appreciation. I’ve made cookies for my garbage people already, OK? They’re great people. They do a great service to the world. No question there.

But would it really be so hard to just drive well??! C’mon, people!! It’s not that tough of a concept. Just because you’re in a big smelly tank-like vehicle with monstrous dumpster-picker-upper-claw-like things on the front does NOT give you the right to drive however you want. You are NOT allowed to accelarate hard, whip out in front of me from a side street, and then slow down to 15 mph on a 40 mph road. You’re just not. I don’t care how big and intimidating you think you are!

THIS was where the problem was -- every single one of these garbage truckers was driving erratically or terribly. Thus the “Gone Mad” portion of my rant.

SO! To all the garbage truck drivers out there, I only have two things to say:
1. Get over your "I-have-a-big-powerful-smelly-truck-so-don't-mess-with-me" attitudes and drive nicely. Please. I'll make you more cookies if you do...!!!
2. DO NOT make me late for class again or you will FEEL MY WRATH. Just wait. IPCA will get you. I have connections.

*trademarked menacing glare*

Despicableness

Ok!!
Let's say I asked all of you if you would eat something without knowing what it was. Would you?Let's say I described this mysterious substance as, "thick yellowish-brown paste with a sharp taste". Would you eat it?

Be honest: How appetizing does that sound???



Want to know what it is?
Mustard.
I kid you not. That's how wikipedia describes mustard.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEW.


I hate mustard. Hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it.

I've been on this rant for three whole days, now. I really, really, really hate mustard.

I have ALWAYS hated mustard, mind you; this is no new fad or random passing phase. However, as of late I've simply become much more passionate in my intense hatred of mustard and also much more educated in how utterly revolting the substance is.


This latest jump in dedicated rage directed at a condiment began on Wednesday, when I was having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day. I was seriously contemplating moving to Australia, in fact; it was that bad. I was obviously in a rather cranky mood and was thrown completely over the edge when I opened the fridge (admittedly rather harder then necessary) and a bottle of mustard jumped out of the shelf on the fridge door (cackling evilly, of course, because everyone knows that mustard is pure evil) and lept on to me, covering me from head to toe (practically) with oozing, yellow nast.

As you can imagine, this didn't exactly improve my mood any.

Adding to my discomfort was the fact that the smell of mustard has ALWAYS made me extremely nauseous, and of course, I smelled like mustard all day. Even the next day, EVEN after taking a SHOWER, I was still convinced that I smelled like mustard....ugh ugh ugh.

But since then, I have been in sort of a feverish crazed anti-mustard mood. I sort of took all the mustard in the house and hid it in the garage so I wouldn't have to look at it.

I cannot for the life of me figure out what about this awful stuff appeals to people. Sheesh. Why would you intentionally consume something so digusting, which makes your eyes water and your nose itch and your tongue scream, "NO! NOT THIS AGAIN! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE SUCH AWFUL TREATMENT?!?!"

Mustard's been around for an awfully long time, you know. The first mustard recipe dates back to 42 A.D. It didn't exactly catch on as a condiment back then, though (gee, I wonder why...it's only the most horrifyingly nasty taste on the planet....) and it wasn't until the 9th century, when French monks began making mustard and selling it as a way to bring in income (I am totally serious, here. I did my research!). Ick. For awhile, though, mustard-making flourished, however due to intense issues with contamination and "adulteration of the substance", in the 16th century the French government passed laws with strict cleanliness requirements for mustard making utensils and also laws stating that only certified mustard-makers could produce the condiment.

You know what even further blows my mind? Found on Wiki:
"The Mount Horeb Mustard Museum is a museum in Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, featuring the world's largest display of prepared mustards. It is often featured in lists of unusual museums in the United States...The initial dozen jars have grown to a collection of more than 4,800 different mustards from 60 different countries, along with items of mustard memorabilia and exhibits depicting the use of mustard through history."
THERE'S A WHOLE MUSEUM DEDICATED TO THIS GROSSNESS? WHAT?!?!

AND! Apparently there is also a NATIONAL MUSTARD DAY!
Now THAT is just taking things altogether too far, if you ask me.


Some of you are probably wondering, "OK...well...let's get to the point now, shall we?"
There is no point. This is an utterly pointless, useless, random post with no relevance to anything. I simply wanted to express my intense dislike of a positively revolting substance.

*takes bow*