Heh. I received this email a few days ago, forwarded from the friend of a friend, and I have to say, it cracked me up :) I know I sent it some of you, but just in case...it seems to fit my current rant quite nicely..."Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus.
I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore."
Tuesday
Ignorance, continued
Saturday
Everyday Joys
(Thanks, L., for this email -- I LOVE it!)
Everyday Joys:
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road..
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. Going barefoot
15. The beach.
16. Finding a 20 doll ar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.20
25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
28. Playing with a new puppy.
29. Having someone play with your hair.
30. Sweet dreams.
31. Hot chocolate.
32. Road trips with friends.
33. Swinging on swings.
34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
35. Making chocolate chip cookies.
36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
37. Holding h ands with someone you care about.
38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
40. Watching the sunrise.
41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
42. Knowing that somebody misses you.
43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
One Final Thought:
"Lord, keep Your arm over my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"
Posted by Emily at 8:41 PM 1 comments
Labels: blessings, email, extraordinary, happy, joy, list, ordinary
Thursday
Thought for the day...
We are fascinated by that which we cannot do.
Case in point.
[How many of you determinedly kept trying to succeed, just to see what would happen?]
We're obsessed with the impossible.
Thankfully, so is God.
"It is only the impossible that is possible for God. He has given over the possible to the mechanics of matter and the autonomy of his creatures. " --Simone Weil
"Never tell a young person that anything cannot be done. God may have been waiting centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing." – John Andrew Holmes
"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
[Thank you to Pastor for the email and link that sparked the thoughts!]
Posted by Emily at 3:19 PM 4 comments
Labels: email, game, God, impossible, possible, power, quotes, trust
Sunday
Noah's Ark
(Thanks, Kat!)
Monday
Home again, home again, jiggety jog...
I know, I know, you're all DYING to hear about the latest camp experience and I promise, it was a doozie and I've got some good stories. Sorry I'm so behind; but I came home to 120+ emails and 100+ new items on Google reader, gah! It's taking me a while to get back on top of everything!!!
I promise, real posts coming soon. I'm even toying with the idea of posting this random little short story I've written, but I might wimp out and not...hmm. It needs some revising first, though, at any rate.
But for right now, it's waaaaaay after my bedtime and my soft, fluffy pillow is chanting my name so I must go. More later!
For all you lexophiles out there....
I got this in an email today....it cracked me up!!!!!!!!
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.
Posted by Emily at 3:33 PM 3 comments
Labels: definition, email, funny, humor, list, meaning, words
Friday
Presence or Absence?
"Let me explain the problem science has with Jesus Christ." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.
"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"
"Yes sir," the student says.
"So you believe in God?"
"Absolutely."
"Is God good?"
"Sure! God's good."
"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"
"Yes."
"Are you good or evil?"
"The Bible says I'm evil."
The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?"
"Yes sir, I would."
"So you're good...!"
"I wouldn't say that."
"But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't."
The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"
The student remains silent.
"No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.
"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"
"Er...yes," the student says.
"Is Satan good?"
The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No."
"Then where does Satan come from?"
The student falters. "From...God..."
"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"
"Yes, sir."
"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?"
"Yes."
"So who created evil?" The professor continued, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."
Again, the student has no answer. "Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?"
The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."
"So who created them?"
The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them? There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.
"Tell me," he continues onto another student. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"
The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do."
The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"
"No sir. I've never seen Him."
"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"
"No, sir, I have not."
"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?"
"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."
"Yet you still believe in him?"
"Yes."
"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?"
"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith."
"Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith."
The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of his own. "Professor, is there such thing as heat?"
"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."
"And is there such a thing as cold?"
"Yes, son, there's cold too."
"No sir, there isn't."
The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain.
"You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."
Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.
"What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?"
"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it
isn't darkness?"
"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?"
The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. "So what point are you making, young man?"
"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed."
The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. “Flawed? Can you explain how?"
"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.
"Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"
"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."
"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"
The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.
"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going Endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"
The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.
"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean."
The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out into laughter.
"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir. So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"
Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.
Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you'll have to take them on faith."
"Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues. "Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?"
Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
The professor sat down.
Sunday
Guidance
I received this email from a good friend of mine, and I absolutely love the whole concept...
Enjoy. It's short and sweet :)
.................................................................
"Dancing With God"
When I meditated on the word Guidance, I kept seeing 'dance' at the end of the word and I remember reading that doing God's will is a lot like dancing. When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movement doesn't flow with the music, and everything is quite uncomfortable and jerky. When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music. One gives gentle cues, perhaps with a nudge to the back or by pressing lightly in one direction or another. It's as if two become one body, moving beautifully. The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other. My eyes drew back to the word Guidance. When I saw 'G': I thought of God,followed by 'u' and 'i'. 'God, 'u' and 'i' dance.' God, you, and I dance. As I lowered my head, I became willing to trust that I would get guidance about my life and once again, I became willing to let God lead. My prayer for you today is that God's blessings and mercies are upon you on this day and everyday. May you abide in God, as God abides in you. Dance together with God, trusting God to lead and to guide you through each season of yourlife. This prayer is powerful and there is nothing attached.
So I Hope You Dance!
Posted by Emily at 5:32 PM 1 comments
Labels: dancing, email, God, guidance, leading, life, prayer, surrendering
