For all you lexophiles out there....

I got this in an email today....it cracked me up!!!!!!!!

NEOLOGISMS:

(Neologisms are alternate meanings for common words.)

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \sub-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.

Humor and lack thereof

I'm not a funny person.

This depresses me.

I came to this startling realization today while reading an amusing blog. On Edge’s blog she has a link to Gretchen, and I clicked on it out of curiosity and found some incredibly fantastic posts. They just seem to exude humorous vibes -- there’s an underlying tongue-in-cheekness to it all that I love. And envy, I must confess.

I have never been a funny person, sadly. I’ve tried for years now, but humor just eludes me. I’ve finally reached a point where I’ve accepted the fact that I’m hopeless. Humorless. Unfunny. Boring. Humor must be something you’re born with -- you either have it, or you don’t. I, sadly, do not. I must have missed the humor gene. I can’t make great wisecracks. I am terrible when it comes to witty comebacks, because I just can’t think fast enough. Even sarcasm, when coming from me, tends to be misconstrued, misunderstood or simply stupid. And I’ve never had that great slapstick-comedy clownishness that just makes people laugh.

Which isn’t to say that people don’t laugh at me. They do. Quite loudly and quite often. But I think that’s more because I’m STRANGE, rather then because I’m FUNNY. There’s a major difference. I happen to be a very quirky person and this, obviously, causes some smiles, giggles and guffaws. Take the whole mismatched sock thing, for instance…..

But anyway, this severe lack of funniness has more far-reaching effects then just causing me to cross off “stand-up comedian” from my list of potential careers.

It affects my writing, too. Think about it. I can’t create funny, witty, sarcastic, amusing characters -- or, even more importantly, dialogue -- because I myself can’t up with that. How do you write in a character’s sarcastic, acerbic voice if you have no idea what she should be saying?!
And, naturally, lack of funniness makes this blog rather dull.

Can you learn to be funny, I wonder? Or I am doomed to a humorless existence for the rest of my days?

Any advice from the funny folk out there who are reading this would be quite nice.