Happy Valentines Day!

Quick Valentines-y thoughts, courtesy of Heartlight.com:

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are
loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of
ourselves.

-- Victor Hugo



I thank my God every time I remember you.

-- Philippians 1:3


Hope you all have a truly LOVEly Valentine's Day, spent with people you love, and remembering the greatest love of all:


"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. "
-- John 3:16


[And, before you all get too excited...No. Unfortunately, the fact that I typed "Happy" above does not actually mean that my p key has been fixed. Quite the contrary, in fact; the keyboard was fixed incorrectly and now NONE of the keys on my laptop's keyboard work. *Sigh*. But, I currently have access to the family computer (which is typically hoarded by my dear Lil Bro), since Lil Bro is still asleep. Bwahahaha.]

My very good excuse

I actually have a fairly good reason for not _osting. My letter-that-comes-between-o-and-q key on my keyboard is broken. Actually, it WAS broken, now it's just GONE. For a few weeks, it was just loose, and therefore working s_oradically, if I whacked it hard enough. But my _sycho cat went and ri_ _ed the darn thing off com_letely, and now, no _'s. And I have to admit, it is driving me CRAAAAZY. More than it should, I'm sure. But I've kind of been avoiding any long emails/_osts/etc because, well, do you know how many words have the letter _ in them?!

A lot. A whole lot.

On the very bright side, though, my com_uter is still under warranty, so the lovely _eo_le at Dell covered the cost of a new keyboard. Thank you, lovely _eo_le at Dell. You've made me very ha_ _ y. Anyway, that should be here in a few days. Sweetness.

A Quote for Today

"The opposite of bravery is not cowardice, but conformity."

     -- Robert Anthony

The month so far...

Heh. Now that you've all gotten used to the crazy-frequent posting of January...make way for February the crazy-busy! Sorry I've been so quiet lately. We're only a week into Feb and already I'm exhausted!

Wednesday flew by in a whirl of classes, homework, and interviews. Thursday was the Big Birthday. It was, by far, the greatest birthday I've EVER had -- THANK YOU to all the awesome people who made it so marvelous! Details soon. Friday - Saturday I was gone at a sleepover and attending another bday party; today the cuz had a wrestling match which lasted for a mere 6 1/2 hours. Now, I've got a crazy load of homework that needs to be done by tomorrow night, and I'd better do it now, because I'll be gone all day tomorrow at a college visit/interview (*GULP* prayers needed. It could lead to a full-tuition scholarship. But no pressure or anything, right?!?!?) and then a meeting in the evening.

Someday soon, I really WILL have time to think out a post. Pinky promise.

Letting my eyes

So...just when I was starting to think I had this whole where-should-I-go-to-college-in-the-fall thing figured out, WHAMO! God threw all this new information in to the mix and confused the daylights out of me.

An acceptance letter I wasn't expecting came, which, to any normal student, would be awesome. And it is! But I had just been getting ready to cross that school off my list and narrow down the options. I thought maybe this was God's way of letting me know that particular school wasn't where he wanted me. Now I'm not so sure anymore.

Similarly, a second school that I was getting ready to cross off of the list recently notified me that I *might* qualify for a full-tuition scholarship. Obviously, I would take a full-tuition scholarship as a pretty clear-cut sign from God that THAT is the school I should be at. Not what I expected at all -- suddenly this school is an option again. My list isn't getting narrowed down at all!

Shall we add another loop? My first choice school; the place I really, truly want to go? I was so close to getting a full-tuition scholarship THERE, and I just found out I didn't quite make it. Which disappointed me more than I thought I would.

So, in typical omniscient-Creator fashion, God has taken every plan I thought I had made and every factor I thought I count on, and turned them all upside down. He's giving me this huge chance to just throw up my hands and let him take control of this crazy journey....oh, but I'm having trouble relinquishing that control!

I'm feeling very confused right now, and wondering just what kind of path is God leading me on, anyhow?

And I found this email in my inbox:

"Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before
you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are
firm."

Proverbs 4:25-26, New International Version

Where are my eyes focused right now? Behind me. I've spent so much time lately worrying about what I did and didn't do in high school; was it enough, was it right, was it this or that. I've spent so much of this week worrying about scholarships and acceptances letters and all this other stuff. My eyes SHOULD be looking straight ahead; focused on God and watching where He's going.

Only I keep getting distracted. The things behind me and around me are all vying for my attention, and it's so hard for me to fix my gaze straight ahead!

I need to remember to "take only ways that are firm." In other words, to look for and follow the path that GOD is drawing me to; not the path that I want. Sure; I really want this first-choice school. I want it so badly that I can't even explain it. And until this week, I thought God wanted me there, too. But maybe all this topsy-turvyness in the land of college is God's way of showing me that my path isn't the strong one, the firm one, the one that will hold up against all the pitfalls and temptations around this world. My path isn't that path.

His is.

All I need to do is fix my gaze on Him and follow where he leads.

But oh, these distractions!!!!

The Thought Process: Math Homework

• I want to play Guitar Hero.
• But I really need to do this math homework.
• I will NOT play Guitar Hero until this math homework is done!
• I really need a pencil.
• *digs through backpack*
• What IS this? Why is it sticky....? How long has that been there....?
• Maybe I don't want to know.
• Focus. Pencil.
• *dig dig dig*
• AHA! Found one!
• Aw, man, it needs sharpening.
• *look at desk, where there SHOULD be a pencil sharpener, but it is too piled with stuff to see the sharpener*
• Hmm. It'll be easier to go sharpen it downstairs.
• *go downstairs to den to sharpen pencil*
• *have pointless convo with Lil Bro*
• *go back upstairs to bedroom*
• Hey, it's the cat! Hi, Grumpy girl!
• *pause to pet cat*
• *back to bedroom*
• Oh, yeah. Calculator. I need my calculator!
• Where IS my calculator, anyway?
• *begin to search room for calculator*
• Hmmm...it doesn't appear to be anywhere up here...I did just use it recently...
• *snaps fingers*
• It must be downstairs!
• *back downstairs*
• Oh, there it is! On the kitchen counter!
• Hmmm, while I'm here, I might as well get a drink.
• Chocolate milk would be good.
• *makes chocolate milk*
• *carries calculator & milk back up the stairs*
• *sit down on bed*
• *open math book*
• Now, let's see...uh oh, I didn't write down which assignments I'm supposed to do.
• I have to go online and check the assignment website.
• *opens computer*
• Oh, look! I have new emails!
• Email from (college) about an interview? Better respond to that.
• Oh...an email from Very Best Friend about directions for tomorrow...
• That reminds me: I need to Google directions for tomorrow anyway. Better do it now so I won't forget.
• *clicks "print" for directions*
• I'd better go check and see if they printed
• *goes downstairs in den to check for directions.*
• Yay, they printed!
• *back upstairs*
• Ok. Math. Focus. I was checking the assignment.
• *goes back to site*
• *writes down assignment*
• *IM pops up*
• It's L! I haven't talked to her in ages!
• *15 minute convo with L*
• Ok. No more distractions. Math needs to get done.
• Wow...it's amazing how many times I've been distracted.
• That would make a good blog post, I think.
• *writes blog post*
• Wow, is that the time? I really better get moving on this homework...
• *does three problems*
• I'm really tired....
• I have to get up early tomorrow....
• Maybe I should go to sleep now....
• I do have all weekend to do these problems...
• They're not due til Monday....
• That's plenty of time!
• Yeah, I'll do 'em later.
• *gets ready for bed*
• Hmmm. But I'm not really tired.
• Maybe I could play just one song on Guitar Hero.THEN I'll go to bed.
• *plays Guitar Hero until much too late*
• Ooops.
• *yawn*
• I really should have done that homework if I was going to stay up so late.
• Oh, well.
• There's always tomorrow.
• Or the day after.

*confession*

I was the girl who swore she didn't need video games in her life.

I was the girl who swore she didn't have time for such trivial pursuits.

I was the girl who swore she didn't want a Nintendo DS, especially when all her friends told her how much fun it was and how much she'd love it.

I was the girl who was determined.

I am also the girl who caved.

I was the girl who may have gotten a DS, but decided she didn't need Guitar Hero: On Tour because it was just way too expensive.

I was the girl who thought paying $40 plus shipping for one game was ridiculous.

I was also the girl who saw aforementioned Guitar Hero game on sale for $30.

I was also the girl who happened to have $30 from grandmothers and explicit instructions to spend it on something UNpractical and UNeducational (yup. I'm that lame. I have to be forced to be spontaneous and impractical).

I am now the girl who owns the game she doesn't need and the Nintendo DS she doesn't need.

And I am now the girl who kicks major guitar butt.

I'm pretending it will help me play my real guitar better :-D


P.S. Have y'all taken note of how many times I've posted already this month?!?! This is a new record here in Mismatchedville! It's unheard of!!!

Happy Birthday, Jackson Pollock!

"When I am in my painting, I'm not aware of what I'm doing. It is only after a sort of 'get acquainted' period that I see what I have been about. I have no fear of making changes, destroying the image, etc., because the painting has a life of its own. I try to let it come through. It is only when I lose contact with the painting that the result is a mess. Otherwise there is pure harmony, an easy give and take, and the painting comes out well." (From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackson_Pollock)

What a neat quote! I am not an artist by nature; mostly because art doesn't fit very well with my perfectionist-self :) However, I really like this view on art. "The painting has a life of its own"...it makes art sound like such an incredible, magical thing that just happens. Sometimes I feel like that with writing; like these words just come and the stories and poems have lives and minds of their own, too.

Pollock was famous for his very unique style of painting. Rather than use easels and paintbrushes and careful strokes, he often used sheets or giant pieces of paper -- or even walls! -- and other tools, like trowels, sticks or knives to make his abstract paintings. Often he'd mix foreign substances, like crushed glass or sand to his paint to give it a different texture.

Many people have criticized both Pollock's methods and paintings as being something "a five year old could do", because his style included flinging, dripping and splattering paint onto his work surface, to make things like this:




According to Wiki, "Pollock denied "the accident"; he usually had an idea of how he wanted a particular piece to appear. It was about the movement of his body, over which he had control, mixed with the viscous flow of paint, the force of gravity, and the way paint was absorbed into the canvas. The mix of the uncontrollable and the controllable. Flinging, dripping, pouring, spattering, he would energetically move around the canvas, almost as if in a dance, and would not stop until he saw what he wanted to see."

Pollock had a very original take on painting. His work was truly his; it was his individual form of expression, and I love that about him. Maybe art doesn't have to be a perfect, realistic, carefully calculated work; but rather an intense, unique, even mysterious creation?

If Jackson Pollock were still alive, he would be celebrating his 97th birthday today! Happy Birthday, Jackson Pollock!

See More of Jackson Pollock's Work

Echo

While I was writing a paper for English I was searching for quotes about eyes, which led me to some poems by George Herbert, which led me to discover this one, which I think is quite beautiful.

Heaven, by George Herbert

O who will show me those delights on high?
Echo. I.
Thou Echo, thou art mortall, all men know.
Echo. No.
Wert thou not born among the trees and leaves?
Echo. Leaves.
And are there any leaves, that still abide?
Echo. Bide.
What leaves are they? impart the matter wholly.
Echo. Holy.
Are holy leaves the Echo then of blisse?
Echo. Yes.
Then tell me, what is that supreme delight?
Echo. Light.
Light to the minde : what shall the will enjoy?
Echo. Joy.
But are there cares and businesse with the pleasure?
Echo. Leisure.
Light, joy, and leisure ; but shall they persever?
Echo. Ever.

Savior, please

So, as you may have gathered from the last post, it's been an incredibly overwhelming weekend. Wonderful, certainly; there's been some amazing moments. But overwhelming for sure. Today I had a chance to spend some time with Very Best Friend in the Whole Entire Galaxy, and oh, how I needed that! Without fail, every moment I spend with her, whether it's curled up on the sofa watching a movie or in the middle of a noisy, smelly gym, she just refreshes my soul.

It's funny. All weekend as I was doing everything for everyone I kept telling myself, "You're fine! You're going to love this! It'll be great!". And I thought I was doing a pretty good job keeping up the act, you know? The I'm-not-tired, I-really-do-want-to-be-here, life-is-good act. I'm sure you're all familiar with it.

And this is why she is my Very Best Friend in the Whole Entire Galaxy. Because my "act" didn't fool her for a nanosecond. She knew something was wrong and she even guessed most of the stuff that was upsetting me before I even said one word. So after somewhat of a meltdown, I was feeling marginally better about life, but she helped me realize that a big part of my problem is a lack of faith. I'm in a scary transitional time of my life right now, and faith is more vital than ever before if I have any hope of navigating this. And yet, why is it that in the moments when you most need your faith, it's easiest to forget about the concept of "trust"? Why is it so easy to lose sight of God in the moments when you should be most focused on him?

As I drove home, I was praying that God would take my angry, scared, doubtful heart and replace with the peace and faith and trust I was so desperately in need of. And this song came on the radio, and I know it was the answer to my prayer:

Savior, Please by Josh Wilson


Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

And though it might sound completely corny, these words just spoke to my heart, echoing all the words Very Best Friend had said earlier, and it was an amazing experience.
Oh, the goosebumps and the tears!

Anyway, I just pray that if you're in this place right now -- this overwhelming, trying so hard to measure up and be all things to all people and prove things to the world, that this song will encourage you and bring peace to you.